Families, classrooms, all kinds of human groups are intricate, evolving social and emotional worlds. They exist to protect and nourish but living in them is not always easy. And, when one of us is not doing well, none of us are. This makes them a delicate, dynamic, messy, and endless work in progress.
This book centres around those moments when we must get involved, or call a child out on an unsafe, careless, or selfish action. Pitched well beyond the superficiality of making "happy families" or "obedient classes," this book dives into the colour and chaos of life. It provides guidance for navigating the commotion and the processes, as well as the grit required in the tougher moments. It’s these moments that reveal what is really happening between children and their parents, educators, or carers. The book outlines a special set of attitudes and skills described as using our "soft eyes and warm hearts." In this space, we hold a child or teen accountable using an almost counterculture mindset. One that connects leadership and strength directly with kindness. This humane approach is more likely to leave young people in a position where they might want to feel responsible, make amends and changes, rather than being forced to. If we are to improve our relationships, outcomes, and futures with this generation of kids we must commit to truthful conversation, reflection, and preparation.
Written by trusted author Mark Le Messurier, an experienced teacher, counsellor and public speaker, this is an essential guide for parents, carers, teachers, educational leaders, and allied health professionals responsible for the wellbeing of young people.
Author(s): Mark Le Messurier
Publisher: Routledge
Year: 2023
Language: English
Pages: 171
City: London
Cover
Half Title
Title Page
Copyright Page
Table of Contents
Author’s note
About Mark Le Messurier
Intellectual property clause
Acknowledgements
PREFACE: Where am I taking you?
IN ADMIRATION: And from lessons learnt
A DECLARATION: My position on children and us
Consistency
Persistence
Chapter 1: Family: An evolution and revolution
A once upon a time family
Separations, divorce, and relocation
Abuse, trauma, and child protection
Self-harm
A despairing view of the world
Competitive and exclusive parenting
“Monkey see, monkey do” parenting
An over-scheduled generation of children
Screens and cognitive overload
Sexual and gender identity
An anxiety epidemic?
The impact of COVID-19 on families
Chapter 2: Which QUADRANT reflects your PARENTING or TEACHING style?
Now is the moment to shine the spotlight on you
Dispelling a myth
THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW – The PUNITIVE QUADRANT
THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW – The NEGLECTFUL QUADRANT
THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW – The PERMISSIVE QUADRANT
THE SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW – The AUTHORITATIVE QUADRANT
SOCIAL CONTROL WINDOW – in REVIEW
Chapter 3: “MIS”behaviour
A change in their behaviour begins in our heart
All behaviour has a purpose although it may not be purposefully directed
My take on “MIS”behaviour
Lessons from the past
Chapter 4: Understanding the STUBBORNNESS of behaviour
What about you?
The traditional negative approach
A positive approach
Stubbornness: A different perspective
Chapter 5: A language that TAMES SHAME
Today everyone agrees it is wrong to hit a child to make them do what we want
YOU- and I-statements
YOU-statements
I-statements
The HOLY GRAIL – healthy communication patterns in the tricky moments
Revenge fantasies
Chapter 6: The “art” of REDIRECTING unwanted behaviours
There is groundwork to be done
Non-verbal prompts
Tactical ignoring – a strategy to ignore unwanted behaviours that should not matter
PRAISE – an effective way to direct and redirect behaviour
Chapter 7: The “art” of HOLDING A CHILD ACCOUNTABLE, with poise
First, get your emotions in the right place
The first response to a child’s “MIS”behaviour is NOT to fix the “MIS”behaviour
PRACTICAL STEPS: Holding children accountable (with poise)
Chapter 8: The “art” of APPLYING AN EDUCATIVE CONSEQUENCE, and staying emotionally connected
The guiding principles of EDUCATIVE CONSEQUENCES
EDUCATIVE CONSEQUENCES can be broken down into three broad types
FINAL THOUGHTS: On the “art” of applying EDUCATIVE CONSEQUENCES
Frame it
Mix it up!
Timing is everything
It is YOUR choice
Staying emotionally connected
That space where children can thrive
Chapter 9: The STAR ACT: Praise and building credit
Build your credit rating!
Review on the STAR ACT – praise
Chapter 10: ONE SIZE does not fit all: An alternative
A few ideas to help you successfully run a token economy approach
Chapter 11: WISE-GUIDES and SELF-CARE
My first wise guide: Hiam Ginott
My second wise guide: Rita Pierson
My third wise guide is New Zealand’s current Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern
My early wise guides
Chapter 12: CLOSE: Thoughts and reflections
Verse and prose on children and family
Series on children, parenting, and family
Movies on children, parenting, and family
Documentaries on children, parenting, and family
Bibliography
