This book analyzes men’s experiences and perceptions regarding their participation in infidelity and offers a glimpse into the inner workings of their most intimate relationships, as well as the ways men negotiate marriages that fall short of their expectations.
Using a sample collected from the online dating service Ashley Madison, this book finds that contrary to gendered social scripts, the men in this study described motivations for outside partnerships that were not rooted in the desire for sexual pleasure or variety. Rather, men described those relationships as an outlet to soothe their bruised egos, receive attention and validation from a romantic partner, and to fight their feelings of emasculation. These infidelities thus provide support and praise, and aid in the processing of complex emotions.
This in-depth analysis provides a unique insight into men’s experiences of sexuality and masculinity, and will be of keen interest to those seeking to understand male infidelity from a sociological perspective, across gender studies, psychology, counselling, and beyond.
Author(s): Alicia M. Walker
Publisher: Palgrave MacMillan
Year: 2020
Language: English
Pages: 220
City: Cham
Acknowledgments
Contents
About the Author
1 The C-Word (Cheater): Infidelity as the Ultimate Threat
Importance of Marriage
Infidelity: The Ultimate Threat
Fascination with Infidelity
Sexual Satisfaction and Relationship Quality
The Burden of Masculinity
Gendered Sexuality and Infidelity
Theoretical Perspective
The Infidelity Workaround
Overview of Men’s Infidelity Workaround
Conclusion
References
2 Researcher Seeks Cheating Husbands: Recruiting a Closeted Population
What Is Ashley Madison?
How Does Ashley Madison Work?
Sampling
Protection of the Research Participants
The Hack
Bots
Limitations
Personal Identities of the Researcher
Data Collection and Analysis
Who Are These Men?
Why Are These Men Cheating?
Decision to Cheat
Efforts to Repair
Cheating to Stay
Conclusion
References
3 “Men Need Their Egos Pumped up Regularly”: Primary Partnerships Sow the Seeds of Men’s Doubt
Introduction
Women as Relational Managers
“Show Interest in Me!”
“Notice My Feelings”
Nagging: A Consequence of Gendered Notions of Relationships
The Economy of Gratitude
“Marriage Trains Us to Feel Badly About Ourselves”
“Men’s Egos Need Constant Pumping up”
Conclusion
References
4 “We Need a Witness to Our Lives”: Outside Partners as Outsourced Relational Managers
Introduction
Outsourcing Relational Management to Outside Partners
“Emotional Intimacy” or Friendship?
Outside Partners Boost Men’s Egos
Conclusion
References
5 “If I Was a Good Enough Man, She’d Be Jumping on Top of Me, Right?”: Marital Beds Breed Self-Doubt
Introduction
Scripts and Gendered Sexuality
Marital Bed Breeds Self-Doubt
Outside Partners Make Me “Feel Less Sexually Defective”
Outside Partners Take the Pressure Off Primary Partners
Outside Partners Reduces Burden on Spouses
Conclusion
References
6 “I Seek a Partner Who Actually Wants Me to Make Up for Lost Time”: The Girlfriend Experience in Outside Partnerships Helps Reduce FOMO
Introduction
The Girlfriend Experience
Outside Partners Provide “The Girlfriend Experience”
“Prioritize Sex with Me”
Feel Desired
Masculinity and Sexual Performance
Entering Marriage Inexperienced
Life Is Passing Me By
Conclusion
References
7 “Guys Who Suck in Bed Are the Butt of Jokes”: The Pressure to Perform
Introduction
The Need for Validation
“Women Tell Their Friends How Bad You Were”
“TV Presents Us as Moronic Walking Penises”
Pressure to Perform
The Pressure Is Only on Men
“She’s Not Holding Up Her End”
You’re Only as Good as Your Last Performance
Strategies and Compensations
Conclusion
References
8 “It’s My Job to Make Her Orgasm”: Women’s Orgasm Provision as Responsibility and Special Skill
Introduction
Compensatory Masculinity
Women’s Orgasms as Marker of Masculinity
“Her Orgasm Evidences My Skill”
Her Pleasure Is My Pleasure
Doing It for the Praise
Best They Ever Had
Self-Perception of High Sex Drive
Conclusion
References
9 So, What Does All of This Mean Anyway?: Making Sense of Men’s Participation in Infidelity
Implications for Clinical Practice
Implications for Theory
Future Research
Conclusions
References
Index
